[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
early stone age tool
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.