Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense
me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no
me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair