[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Imma just leave this here…………
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Breaking news:
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”