@TheIronSherk

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

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@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@WildeThingy

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

@beefman138

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

@_ElvishPresley_

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

@Lisabug74

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

@Reverend_Scott

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”