[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.