Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.