[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Wednesday
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.