The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Pretty much! 😂👀
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)