@phaggots

[ouija board]

Spirits im in need of your help

O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S

Sure

W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D

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@JohnLyonTweets

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

@TheHyyyype

me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility

@5ive_zw

sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.

@thisislizz

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@faungirl123

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.