righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress