[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[eats all your cotton candy]
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.