[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
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Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“I wouldn’t.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.