Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.