Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

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[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?


Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.


It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.


Dentist: have you been flossing?

[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]

Me: yes


1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face


Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.


Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.


I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.