Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Breaking news:
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.