Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.


Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.


Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.


Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question


Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9


ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.