@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

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@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@dadofbieber

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

@hippieswordfish

ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.