Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Bless you
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I identify as an antique shop.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.