Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people