@krishna_van

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

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@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

@Kryzazy

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

@WilliamAder

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

@Tresca69

You can’t trust anyone you meet online

I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him

@TheAlexNevil

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

@david8hughes

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

@TheOnion

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App