Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.


Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.


I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.


When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.


Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused


*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water



(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.


[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
*boss looks away*
*boss looks back*
*boss looks away again*
*boss looks back*


Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.