@CM2BTTHD: Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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@JackieluvsUK: Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!
@bobvulfov: FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
@clairedaniellem: yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”
@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.