Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“HELP WITH CAT”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
best first i’ve ever seen
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.