“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
#Caturday
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks