Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…
I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS!!!
1): Hold your breath for 5 minutes
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff