Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Can’t. Being lazy.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.