my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??