Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
me after eating Cheetos
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now