Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Good morning
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes