Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*