@shaunpcassidy

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

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@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@kumailn

Twitter 1 Act:
-Person misreads sarcasm
-You point out it’s sarcasm
-“I know I was being sarcastic back”
-Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye

@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@kieransofar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@Peauxtassium

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video