Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Twitter 1 Act:
-Person misreads sarcasm
-You point out it’s sarcasm
-“I know I was being sarcastic back”
-Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video