MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
We need more people like this.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails