2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
no refunds
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg