@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

@English_Channel

🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?

@MrEd_EVH

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@okaymachado

What do we want?

MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!

When do we want them?

WHY?

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@iwearaonesie

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

@envydatropic

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

@SteelCityDawn

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

@JimmerThatisAll

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”