Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
God has abandoned us.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
british sex workers really pound for pound
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what