@AllanForsyth

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

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@McGrumpenstein

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@jergarl

[praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
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LOL nice

@QwertyJones3

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

@Tmoney68

If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

@dumbbeezie

When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

@maryfairybobrry

This holiday season add that extra magic with a dollop of mayo on your hot cocoa

@pharmasean

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave