@McGrumpenstein
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
@AllanForsyth
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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@McGrumpenstein
@seamussaid
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
@jergarl
[praying]
Please just send me a sign. Anything.
*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
.
.
.LOL nice
@QwertyJones3
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
@Tmoney68
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
@dumbbeezie
When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things
@Thrill_Tweeter
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
@TheBoydP
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
@maryfairybobrry
This holiday season add that extra magic with a dollop of mayo on your hot cocoa
@pharmasean
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave