“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts


Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna



Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio

LOL nice


[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack


If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.


When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things


Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…


This holiday season add that extra magic with a dollop of mayo on your hot cocoa


A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave