“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.