“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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Best mom ever 😂
I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.
I’m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought “Hogwarts” was an STD
“Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we’ve moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.