Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Festive toon…
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*