@MrGirlDad

Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.

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@onelongbender

Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

@Reverend_Scott

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

@AsgardianRose

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.