Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.
Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
of COURSE it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THE WHOLE TIME
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.