[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.