*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.