@PaperWash

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

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@hammbone84

If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.

@minkpinkustink

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

@elizaskinner

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@EllaZee5

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

@anjadrisch

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

@abbycohenwl

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.