Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Can’t stop laughing
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”