OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Received some very disappointing news today
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I am patiently waiting for your email
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
what’s more important?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.