OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is