Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Gemma Correll
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting