@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

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@C_J_Commode

There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.

@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

@JaneBadall

The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

@sonictyrant

concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?

@bealescore

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼

@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…