Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”


Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead


I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]


[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]


Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts


Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours


[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food


Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks