Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

You Might Also Like


There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.


*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”


*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message


The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.


concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?


celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼


Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.


Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…