There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
You Might Also Like
[makes eye contact with someone through crack in bathroom stall] hey
*unexpected snow fall*
Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”
Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs
me: when’s he bringing them back?
celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…