There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.