I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.