People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good