Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

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[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?


Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes


[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste


Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles


Alright ok fine


My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.


Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”