@DevilryFun

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

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@stacywawa1

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@ScorpionDong

The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes

@TomatoTomoto1

[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste

@matt___nelson

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@Darlainky

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”