[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes
Maury is the father.
[Silver Singles Meetup]
Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself
Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had
Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…
Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
Alright ok fine
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”