Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
good work, everybody
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.