Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I鈥檓 pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know鈥he meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Me: getting the flu shot wasn鈥檛 so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
reply and i鈥檒l guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I can鈥檛 wait!
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I studied karate, so now if I鈥檓 ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home