Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
taking June’s advice to heart
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no