Don’t feel like going to the gym?
Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.
Then go to the gym.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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I want to create a show called “Deja Vu” simply for the “Previously on Deja Vu”.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Safe words are for quitters.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.