Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m too immature for adultery.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.