“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!