Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel