Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Every work meeting this week
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Put a ring on it
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die