Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m too immature for adultery.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶