Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace