@iinkedZombie

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

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@cd0yl3

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

@SunniWestbrook

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

@wickedsuga

Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.

@thelateinnings

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

@LinajkReturns

Talking with a 17 year-old who is ‘living life with no regrets’ reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.

@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”

@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.