Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
You Might Also Like
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)