Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.