Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.


Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon


Her: i’m in the mood

Me: me too

Her: wanna do it

Me: oh yeah baby

[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]


These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.


*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”



JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat


Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*