Hand me my reading glasses
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:
Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
Her: i’m in the mood
Me: me too
Her: wanna do it
Me: oh yeah baby
[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”
AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*