Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*names my little horse OneTrick*