“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Weighing up my bread heating options
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
So inspired right now.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.