Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen